The Inner Adventure that can change your Life
Zen masters liked to asked new adepts who wanted to enter the path of meditation: ”where have you been before your father was born?!” They asked one of their typical questions to open the eyes of the disciple for the dimension beyond the body-mind and its many fold limitations. In fact it’s a question, which comes closer to us the more we unveil the mysteries of the body and the functioning of the mind. Where have we been before our conception and where will we go after death? Who we really are? Who is inside us?
The big bang of conception
Our parents coming together to have sex in love, ambivalent feelings or in animosity is the beginning of our physical life. Our conception is our very individual big bang creating the universe of our body as the outer universe starts its new life with a big bang too. If we believe the experience of reincarnation it’s the moment when our soul enters the body. From now on our life will expand with each breath unto the moment we get pulled into the black hole of death and disappear into the cosmic breath again.
Usually we connect the beginning of our life with the meeting of the male sperm and the female egg. Scientists describe watching this moment like a fascinating and highly energetic dance of life. The male cell dances excitedly around the female egg before it merges into it. This is the real birthday of our life, when these two cells melt together surrounded by an ocean of sexual energy. In this moment thousand of years of evolution are transferred to a new generation. The new life receives all the information of life since it’s beginning and only thirty hours later the multiplication of the cell begins.
Conception is the true primal scream, happening long before birth where A. Janov places it. A new life explodes into existence with all the information it gets from the parents. This information will be now like background music of its physical, emotional and mental life. My work with regression in this period of life suggests an actually logical assumption: The relationship of the parents to their own sex and to each other is reflected in this moment of conception and gets imprinted into the new being. It will follow us like an aura around our life. Some parents, who have a deep connection with each other and their child, even remember the exact time of the conception. For others it was an accident or a tragedy changing their life.
The new being remembers if the mother or father condemned their sex, didn’t love their body or hated them selves. It remembers if the parents met in love; or if the father violently lived his aggression and the mother just gave her body in passive aggression. It remembers the pain or the happiness, the love or the pleasure the parents had in their encounter. - Often people in my therapeutic work are shocked to recognize this side of their parents. They have learnt to see them as neutral beings, but now they show themselves truly sexual and overwhelmed by their hormones. Hardly anybody can remember having seen them being naked, having sex or sharing their passion and sexual desires before.
Primal regressions, Trance Energetic Breathing, deep hypnosis, dreams or visions can make us these first life imprints available. The great meeting of the germ and the ovum melting together and becoming a zygote happens in the woman’s oviduct, which leads from the ovum to the uterus. After a long and adventurous journey the sperm reaches there in front of a million other sperms. I remember strong dreams of falling and ending up in a big explosion, which I could relate to this time. Also visions of travelling through a time channel and being born into another lifetime seem to be closely related ideas.
The trust the sperm has in pushing forward and the trust the ova has in embracing the sperm and taking it in, may effect how these two energies get developed in the new being. The first programming of our male and female energies happens. Conception being a celebration makes life being a celebration. Conception a suffering makes life a misery.
The oceanic experience of the womb
After travelling down the oviduct, reaching the womb and undergoing six to seven cell divisions, a week has past and a new event is about to take place – implantation. The mother’s state of being, which is strongly influenced by her partner and the family around, has a strong impact on how soft and prepared the womb is to receive the growing cell clump. D. Boadella describes it like a landing on the moon. In fact here might be the origin of our fascination for manned travel into space.
Out of floating in space like a spaceship, the zygote sinks down into the wall of the womb. A tense womb might create a feeling or rejection, which is like landing on the cold Rocky Mountains. A soft womb invites for the feeling of landing in the warm and welcoming summer grass or ocean beach. This is our first landing on solid ground and it effects the foundation of our trust into life. R. Lang describes the womb as the soil, the embryo as the seed, the developing umbilical cord as the stem and the fetus as the fruit. Nine month later the fruit will be ready to be expelled and like a ripe corn it falls out of the mother plants leaves.
After implantation the embryo grows out of three layers. The outer layer called the ectoderm builds the brain and the neural canal. The middle layer called the mesoderm creates the heart, which will start beating after twenty-five days. The inner layer called the endoderm becomes the gut and forms the digestive organs and the lungs. We have seen before the close connection between the intestines and the lungs for the digestion of emotions. The formation and building of organs and tissues takes only around one hundred days and the embryo will grow a hundred times bigger until the moment of ex-plantation at birth.
During the first three month the embryos inner and outer body structure develops and its inner organs begin to form. In the second three month the embryo begins to use its sensing organs. Now it is able to sense itself and the world outside its own cosmos, the womb. At around six-month the body and senses have developed enough that the embryo can begin to explore its surroundings. He learns to float and move around like an astronaut in the gravitational field, begins to express his emotions with his body and even uses his body movements to send signals about his state of being to the mother. Body language is his first kind of communication.
We should remember that its body has just the consistence of jelly and is extremely sensitive to all kind of influences in the interactive space of the womb. Whatever touches the mother’s body, feeling or breathing will influence the unborn too. That’s why she needs a maximum of relaxation and silence around her. Disturbances such as a heavy argument with the partner, strong feelings of fear and insecurity or rejection and ambivalence towards the child, a failed abortion, sexual abuse or smoking, drinking and drug abuse can be devastating to each of the developing states. Even schizophrenia with its broken relationship to the surrounding world is seen related to shock in the prenatal period of development.
A child, which is feeling wanted and cared for in the womb, is born naturally and is allowed to develop a healthy bonding with the mother after birth, has made the most important experiences to grow healthy. On the opposite stress, fear and rejection by the mother during pregnancy can lead to slow growth, drug addiction, feeling unworthy, a burden or abundant, leading to self-hate, the paranoia of being destroyed or the tendency for suicide. – Interestingly our brain’s cortex develops and refines its structures from the third month of pregnancy unto the first years of our life. It needs an especially calm atmosphere to build as many connections as possible and is very sensitive to emotional destruction of the mother.
One of my main character traits is the fear of not being able to survive. Once in a while I used to wake up in the very early morning tortured from worries of my mind of not being able to survive or being left alone in a new city. Then after more than thirty years of silence my mother finally told me that I don’t know my physical father. That she left him after a very loving sexual experience, which was the beginning of my life, because she realized, that he had already a family. For a moment she was totally alone and on her own in the years after war without material background. Without her mentioning it I understood that she must have thought about abortion and felt a deep insecurity before marrying my present father.
The prenatal period has formed our life in a way we haven’t realized yet. Ignoring the time in the womb is probably another aspect of female and sexual repression. But already in old Egypt the conserved placenta of the pharaoh was carried in front of big processions as a symbol of security. In many cultures the placenta has been a symbol for the tree of life and the vision of paradise is nothing less than the desire to come back home to the womb. The way we cultivate our homes with comfortable interior reminds me as much on the longing for a safe and cozy womb as the fetish like addiction to cars. Sitting in a comfortable car, which moves by itself with a minimum of noise and a maximum of comfort and security, is the perfect imitation of a walking womb - our mother’s womb. It misses only the most important element – love.
The experience of the womb is probably the most impressionable adventure of our life because it is about the origin of our life. A relaxed womb connects us with an “oceanic feeling” as S. Freud calls it, a “cosmic streaming” in the words of W. Reich or a “mystic unity” following S. Grof. - The fearful tense womb is the origin of our endless need for safety and security, our eruptions of violence in order to release our deepest fears and frustrations and our addiction to drugs, to get at least a glimpse of the oceanic feeling we always missed. A contracted womb is a result of sexual repression, great stress or deep rejection of the child. It is a life damaging if not life destroying nightmare. A relaxed womb is the lost paradise we are longing and looking for in our spiritual search.
The agony and ecstasy of birth
It was a Capricorn’s struggle uphill for the endless time of 48 hours to see the light of life. This time was needed for the combined effort of my mother, father, the doctors and myself to pass through the birth canal. The doctors ignored the urgent call of my father to take care until I was half on the way and they had to intervene. My mother giving birth to her first beloved child in difficult circumstances, fall into total exhaustion. After getting stuck I finally got pulled out with forceps, squeezing my head a bit longer than it already was. Well, this way I moved at least my birthday a bit closer to the visionary world of the astrological sign of Aquarius.
And what is the outcome? I have a visionary mind with a good connection to mother earth. When others think I am crazy and have given up long ago I still keep marching on. But then the trouble comes. Just one step before the goal I tend t collapse, following the program of my birth. I need help to go the last little step and end a project. But luckily by then enough others can see that it is possible and jump on the train like the doctors once finally did. The episode of my birth has taught me the best lesson of programming in the process of birth. For many years Dynamic Birth Integration has been the focus of my therapeutic work with regression.
In fact birth is a very complex event and the most extreme encounter between the unborn baby and the mother. It is a heroic fight for survival and liberation and the entrance into a totally unknown world. It is a confrontation with the fear of dying and the will to live. It is jumping aboard the train of life and it is such a tremendously, energetic event, that we are hardly able to experience it consciously. Some mothers describe it as their strongest orgasm and others as the ultimate pain.
When the embryo has grown big it covers the entire space of the wombs universe. The uterine walls get closer like the shores of an ocean getting closer as the ship approaches the land. In trust it feels exciting and even relaxing to enter these shores again, as we feel safe being able to feel our feet on land again. In trust we love to be hugged and enclosed in the arms of a friend quite similar to being hugged by the mothers womb. We are ready to surrender to the pressure, because we feel it as close, intimate contact. We have enough space to give in, without having to protect ourselves.
When the mother’s contractions begin to move the baby out, the stronger and more pleasant feelings of being enclosed actually can be enjoyed by it. The trusting unborn is flexible enough to allow the coming and going contractions, because there is no muscle armor. It trusts if the mother trusts and relaxes and allows her self to feel the contractions passing through her surrendered body and mind, like contractions of an orgasm. Eva Reich, W. Reich’s daughter, even suggested stimulating the female genitals in order to help the birth.
When the time is right, the closed womb opens its door into the birth canal. The baby’s body is moved along the approximately fifteen centimeter long birth canal, through the highly charged sexual area of the mother. Finally reaching out and being received with joy and warmth on its mother’s belly with her waiting, full and strong breasts and hold by her strong and warm arms feels like a memory of the womb. It allows the baby a soft landing in this world where it can enjoy its first deep and gentle breath into life. This primal breath is opening its lungs to become the motor of its life. Breathing into life with trust brings the best foundation for a life in love, joy and health.
It’s a wonderful perspective, but far from our reality! Which mother is really relaxed in birth, sexually undisturbed by morality and capable of surrendering to birth like to orgasm? That’s why true birth preparation needs to begin before she is even pregnant. During pregnancy it’s too late to work on deep sexual and mental conditioning because the unborn needs all the calmness possible and a deeply emotional mother will only harm the child inside her belly. - O. Rank, A. Janoy, F. Leboyer, D. Boadelly, S. Grof and others have contributed exciting insights into birth, interestingly all man. Summarizing my experiences, the stages of birth have the following order.
The oceanic stage in the womb follows the implantation in the placenta and is a time of peaceful expansion and floating in paradise like circumstances in the womb’s ocean like fluids. The mother’s body takes everything care of. – The first signs of birth appear with the compression stage, when the womb starts becoming too narrow and an exchange of pressure between the uterine walls and the unborn begins. It’s an exchange of pleasurable contact or a horrifying experience of “I don’t come out here!” “I’ll die!” feeling of running against a wall, being trapped in an elevator, hopeless or fainting.
The second sign of birth is the expulsion stage with the experience of moving through the birth canal usually headfirst. The days before, the unborn slowly has turned around and is now standing on the head ready for the go. What comes now is either a fast run through the birth canal comparable to the slipping down a slope as children like it so much. Or it is a murderous experience in total darkness, the body loosing its protective position, unbearable pressure from all sides and the loss of all synchronization with the mother. Pulse waves move like thunder through the blood vessels and their intense high pressure on the nerves unloads like internal blizzards in the brain. In a kind of thunderstorm the baby moves through hell towards its birth. It falls into coma.
A baby, who learns that it has to collapse in order to come out because the navel cord hangs around its neck, will be programmed for life to collapse. A baby who learns that it has to fight to come out is programmed to fight for its life all life long. The one who comes too late always intends to come too late and the one that comes too early will always come to early. The one who needed pressure to come out will always look for pressure to fulfill a task and the one who did not need extra pressure will be always faster. The one who is taking out by cesarean birth will always wait for somebody to do it for him and miss the well grounding struggle of birth. The birth programming is amazingly simple to follow into our daily life!
The welcoming stage is our exit from the birth canal through the sexual organ of our mother’s body into a New World. The transfer from the inner protective world of the womb into the warm arms of the mother is a loving and nourishing welcome. The transfer into the sterile and fridge like operation room, which we find in most hospitals, is a shock for the rest of our life and the cause of numerous sufferings. The mechanical handling of the new born, the early cutting of the umbilical cord and separation from the mother, the use of drugs instead of natural breathing pattern during birth, altogether create the most disastrous experience in life. With shocked senses we enter the mystery of life, unable to trust the new and the beautiful. We are already deeply disturbed in our relationship with our mother and the world we don’t even know yet.Back » »